GRANNIES AND NANNIES

It was “Sassy Take Care of Babies’ Day” –age one and two -- on Friday. I assured everyone I could to it – all day, one day -- I’d be fine. Clearly, Sara Britton’s fantastic nanny of 18 months –Lindsey -- worried about my capability sanity.

That girl does it all, even understands the language Allie Boone speaks -- long sentences in a gibberish dialect. It’s like this two-year-old lived in a foreign country in some previous life. Heck, I’m from Lake City; I should be able to understand any dialect.

Any who, I get text from Lindsey -- the fab nanny -- evening before my summons sitting. The following conversation was entirely text. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a nanny like Lindsey. You rock girl, this one’s for YOU!

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Lindsey: Are you watching the babies tomorrow? Would you like to know what to do/schedule?

Me: Yes, indeed. Would love to know. Taking them to gym at 9. (Translation- they have babysitters thereJ. Shame on me already.

Lindsey: Perfect –they will love that. Hopefully, they will both have had breakfast by the time you get them and Whit should have had his bottle. Take them to the gym. I would put pull-up on AB while she is at the gym. When you get back around 10, give them a snack. Whit needs a bottle around 11 (7 - 8 oz.) Lunch around 12:15. And then diapers and naps. Whit had his sound machine on. AB doesn’t like hers anymore.  And she goes on… Whit will poop after each bottle. Poop bags in his dresser top right.

Me: Whit may miss his nap at 10, I might be late. Hope I can get him there close enough. Thanks so much. I have everything in writing now. I am already shaking, knowing I WILL be off Lindsey’s schedule.

Lindsey: For lunch make AB a PB&J cut in 4ths, grapes and a granola bar (which are in canister on counter).Whit can have a grilled cheese (bread in cabinet pantry and cheese in fridge-assemble and toast in toaster. He LOVES grapes- cut them in 8ths. Cheerios in bottom of pantry for him too. Whit only takes one nap. Same time as AB. After lunch.

Me: Great! Thanks”J Are you kidding me, I’m not making all that stuff. Do I look like a short-order cook?

Lindsey: Also-you will need to give him a bottle before he naps. (Yes-right after he eats a big lunchJ. AB will need a pull up at nap time too. What! He eats too much.

Me: Holy Cow! Ok.

Lindsey: AB will watch TV all day if you let her. I mostly tell her no. Close all doors-let them play in main areas –it will save your sanity.

Me: Exactly, I got it. No TV unless I am looking for vodka and need a minute to find it. I hope she knows I’m kidding. There is a long pause until her next text. AGAIN, I hope she knows I’m kidding, or am I?

Lindsey: Movies on DVR, or channel 360, Sprouts which will have Calliou at noon (I usually let her watch it through lunch). AB Translations: “Spider”=Charlotte’s Web; “Mouse”= Ratatouille; “Up” =Happy Feet”; “Paint”= watercolors. Just get a dish where plates are and put a little water, ask her to get paper-she will. I think I am done-call with questions. GOOD LUCK!

Here’s how it really went down…..

·        Gym with built-in babysitters (1.5 hours= $6.00)

·        Garrett attached for support (1.5 hours= indoor a/c playground) “Fried chicken house of heaven” –Chick Fillet. Thank you Auntie G!

·        Finally DONE with help outings, we head back for naps-- texted instructions from Lindsey still embedded in my head.

·        Praise the Lord! Daddy Matt in drive-way, waiting to relief relieve me from duty: no diapers, sound machines, DVR settings, or poop bags. No need to search for vodka either, breaking those TV rules. They only drink wine anyway, the kind loaded with tannins. I have GERD, so it all worked out for the bestJ

 Lindsey and Whit

Lindsey and Allie Boone

SOY Terrific -- SOY Ingenious -- SOY Worthwhile

     I seldom endorse products by pen, but do occasionally share -- by mouth -- something wonderful I might stumble upon. Well, stumble I did, so sharing by pen I shall….

     On a regular trip to Walgreens with my mom last week we separated for shopping. She had her list: cat litter, magnifying mirror, alcohol (3 bottles), and peroxide. I had no list. The combination of products in her cart looked like some upcoming science project.  I lurked around the aisles while she continued shopping for a few more weird necessities...  

     I have curly –seriously curly –hair. This is not as asset by the way. One of my poodles asked me once. “Why does Mary iron your clothes Sassy, why can't you iron?”

“Well poodle, Sassy only irons her hair.”  Yes, true, I iron my hair every other day. Shocker!

     Any who, I found myself in front of the hair help products, an aisle I frequent: There she it was in front of me -- Remington Wet Straightening Iron --- infused with SOY. It looked so delicious, tempting in its  Eco-packaging, a recycled brown box, inscriped in blue lettering: Patented Soy Infused Plates.

     Okay, I eat soy, drink soy and now my hair could get infused with soy. They had me at hello SOY. I know, it sounds like complete B.S. Seriously, Remington is crazier than me saying that sH**.  BUT, it was patented so it must be sort of something, right? Would they lie?  There was more tease for Prissy too  --“this product DRIES, INFUSES SOY, STYLES all in ONE step. Can you believe it? Me neither. But I bought the sucker home ( $29.99) deciding it was so worth it. My time is too valuable to spend on a head of hair.

      I admit it, I was nervous -- a tiny bit -- afraid it might fry my soaking wet locks. No blow drying first, just straight to the iron –yikes! 

      I calmed my fear with a BIG glass of Chardonnay while I proceeded. Ugh, there was this LOUD hissing sound when the hot blade hit my wet hair. I turned my music up really loud, then the hissing became inaudible. I worked it, piece by piece.  Guess what –HOLY COW –it was true. My hair was softer than ever and stick-straight, PLUS full of yummy soy. Can you believe it? Me neither. Still, if I think it, maybe, just MAYBE, it could be true. I remain Pollyanna.

Happy, Happy July 4, 2013

I love this painting by artist, Gary Bodner. It is called Stars & Stripes, done in mixed media. It is such a happy image. What I love most though, his Made in USA stamp. Clever, unique, important, and close to my heart.
A Happy July 4th to everyone.....

BIRTHDAYS, DOUGHNUTS, and endless EARACHES

 What the heck is this thing?

 Let me just take a lick and see.....

 OMG---it was so good. I love sugar now..

 But, this ear has been hurting for days people. Can you please HELP me!

Whitman Jacobs turns one. My baby -- Sara Britton -- celebrates with her baby, Allie Boone, and daddy, Matt  (oh so cute himself ) sits close by. Beautiful family, inside and out. Life is good for Sassy.....

DUCT TAPE—WHO KNEW?

Somehow, LIFE and the quirking way we live NEVER cease to surprise me.

Let’s talk duct tape for just one minute here. It is the Modus Operandi of all deviants on Criminal Minds, Law & Order and Disappeared, right?  Those poor DEAD women: duct tape stretched across their lips, throats and bound hands, policemen standing over them shaking their heads. And the tape has always been an ugly grey color, matchless against their pasty white corpse.

Well, here’s a NEWS FLASH! Duct tape is newly designed: glittered, hot pinks, orange and more, paisley, check, and stripe. You can make a wallet, purse, Barbie dress or car –well, that’s a stretch --- with DUCT TAPE. Seriously!

I took two poodles out to spend their allowance and what did they want -- the only thing they wanted –duct tape.

I swear, I’m going to invent something this week. I am.  It must be ridiculous though, or it will never sell.  That makes it easy for me; I love me some ridiculous!

So from this day forward, when I have my occasional nightmare –a mean man grabs me from behind and throws me in the trunk of his car -- ready to do some unmentionables -- before dumping me in the green dumpster - I will now have my Technicolor dream showcasing a new version of duct tape covering my mouth. And, it will have sparkles and be hot pink.

HAPPY DUCTING EVERYONE….

 

EVEN NOW --26 YEARS LONG --HE IS REMEMBERED

 

 

An article was in the Lake City Reporter this past Sunday -- June 16, 2013 -- which happened to be Father's Day.  My father died almost 26 years ago, and yet, he is still being remembered.  Not just by me, my sisters and my mother.  But others it seems.  Thank you Mr. Williams, whoever you are, for your special gift of words. Mostly though, thank you for remembering.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN by Morris Williams

Dr. Lou Landrum: Both a general practitioner and a general surgeon, he practiced in a time when physicians made home visits.  He was known as being excellent at quickly and expertly diagnosing the cause of an illness and helping people get well.  He delivered countless babies and had "special pricing" for those unable to afford medical care.

He was still doctoring full time at 65 and gave this explanation:

"I keep working because a person has to have a goal to justify his existence on this planet."

I only hope I can live up to his mantra......

 

Enough Already!

 

Garrett's much better at photography than ole' Sass A Fras:

 

I know, I know!  You've seen enough, read enough and heard enough from me. But seriously, how cute are they?  I even dressed my Mutt up for just a minute, okay two minutes.  He hated it by the way.  Imagine!  There is now a "no vacancy" sign at my poodle parlor.  No sleep over with the older poodles, no boarders at all(guilt, guilt, guilt). This old gal is tired I'm  telling you. No more Sassy Day until --probably as soon as they ask me.  I am a YES slut.

Tomorrow -oh yeah!! "Mine, Mine, Mine!"  Maybe a massage, library, Starbucks(wet non-fat espresso with splash of steamed soy milk ( high maintenance diva), gym (ugh, doubtful), see my shut-in friend and maybe take her prettiness some food, visit my mom, water my plants, and send out get-well and sympathy cards. Now that sounds like a Prissy- Oh- So- Fun- Day to me.